Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
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Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
haha same
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.