I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
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I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?