I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
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Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”