If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
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Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
My background check bounced.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Tell me you get it…🤣
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.