I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
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[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
This is why I hate group projects
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.