This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
You Might Also Like
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
“Why you watching this shit?”
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”