The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Everyone’s family
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.