Denise please return my vape pen
You Might Also Like
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
This trial is so absurd 😭
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.