“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
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When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”