There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
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Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Bless you
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.