Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
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Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
lmfao come on
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Twitter is an abusement park.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me