I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
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Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Anyone really
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.