Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
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Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something