Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
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If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.