HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
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what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
lmao
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.