Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
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The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
From my Mom
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
the official breakfast of 2021
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing