Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
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DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
This probably isn’t good
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Not even remotely sorry.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?