“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
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It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
🤯🤯🤯
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)