Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
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what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.