In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
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I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
When life hands you women, make women laid.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.