something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
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If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
In banana years, I am bread.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
a lot to unpack here
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?