“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
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This is amazing.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.