You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
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[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.