Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
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Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.