*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
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I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey