my fav colour is also hitler
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Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
if a cop pulls u over play dead
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
How it started How it’s going
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.