8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
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Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
PER MY LAST EMAIL
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!