*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
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If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.