I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
You Might Also Like
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
sin harder.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes