To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
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me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Mornin. * use accordingly
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?