<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
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[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts