Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
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I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
December birthdays be like…
FINE, I WON’T.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
ok hear me out: Luigiana
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?