Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
You Might Also Like
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
When you don’t understand how floors work
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
drew a comic about my origin story