“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
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It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Oh we’ve met.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.