Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
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When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?