me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
You Might Also Like
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.