My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
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DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.