Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
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the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
“That’s what” – She
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors