I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
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Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Sign of the day..
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.