Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
You Might Also Like
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else