I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
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It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.