Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
You Might Also Like
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first