“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
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Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”