Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
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In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.