Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
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Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*