The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
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*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
They did not think through this water fountain
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok