(Electricians.)
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This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.