Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
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We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw