Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
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I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.