BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
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how do y’all walk in shallow water
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
started wrapping my pills in cheese
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
spot the difference
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.